To Be Fair…

So I’ve done my fair share of brew bashing, mainly having to do with the major American breweries. It’s my firm opinion that the “Big Ones” have an uninspired product. It’s the product of decades of watering down the legitimate hard work of the brewing immigrants to the point of generic cash cowing. That’s what they’re about now, the almighty buck. So why would I waste my time and yours with an actual analysis of their fizzy yellow taint water? Two reasons. I’m looking for redeeming values or maybe a glimmer of what they started out to be. And second, I’m nothing if not fair. I’m going to give them a chance to make me eat some of my own words. Bring it on. 

Let’s start with a relatively harmless “beer” in Coors Light. Tap the Rockies they say. They forgot to put the beer in my beer. If this one is served ice cold to the point that it literally has no flavor you would think it was carbonated water. Let it warm up and it turns to dirty water. Could it be that this beer actually spoils in your hand if you let it get too warm? The only redeeming value is that you can drink a large amount of it and quickly which makes it ideal for drinking games. That alone keeps this “beer” out of the lowest rating of my scale which I stand by, at 2/10 on the UrD. Next…

Miller. This is personal. This is a pilsner style beer that maintains that pilsner heritage of nastiness that I personally cannot stand. But. There is a “but”. It is a familiar flavor that is reminiscent of some German influence. That is where the respect comes in. As much as I hate it, it is the only one of the big guys that tastes like beer in my opinion. It also has my respect for being a thorn in the side of THE big one. A maintained 2/10 UrD.

Then there was Budweiser. The corruptor of the art form that is craft beer. The deep pocket that forces the little guy out. The perpetrating force that pulls the wool over the eyes of those who do not know any better. The evil empire that started as an immigrant German dream. Yeah, there is some hate there. This “beer” is grandfathered down through generations as the King of Beers, which is solely based on their market share and not due to the quality. Its an iconic label kind of thing, where it is recognized the world over. And there in lies the redeeming quality. The marketing has been so brilliant that it is known throughout the world. Its actually impressive and astounding to think about. Then you pour a beer that is as clear as a tinted window and fizzy rice colored foamy head. The flavor is that of bitter rice and dirt. The mouthfeel is dry and prickly. I don’t get it. People are so loyal to their Bud and I guess whatever makes you happy you should do whole heartedly without regret. I just don’t get it. 1/10 UrD rating. 

So my analysis probably was not exactly fair. Honestly, I feel like I am just venting my frustrations every time I talk about these guys. But that is one of the great things about beer, is that you’re allowed to have your own opinion. No matter how malicious your outlook is on any beverage, you’re allowed. There is a beer for everybody out there so try not to focus on the negatives and go find the positives that keep you sane. 


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